Heart to Heart.

I lost my grandfather on a Sunday several months ago. It was the Sunday before my fall semester of my sophomore year of college started. I was heartbroken.
But this post is not about my heart.. for it has many more lessons to learn, heartbreaks to endure and many more foible and short-coming specks that need to be uprooted by the Savior of my soul.,
 This post is about the rarest kind of heart. 
-- A heart that is not common, required to live or even appreciated in today's society.
-- the heart of my eighty year old grandmother. 

My nanny lost her husband on a Sunday several months ago. It was a couple Sundays after the three and a half year anniversary of her oldest sons premature death. She was heartbroken. 

After reflecting back on the very emotional and saddening passing away of one of the greatest men I have ever known, I came to realize how very distrustful my heart can be unto the Lord. I was angry, I was confused and I was sorrowful. I could not believe He would put this on me before I stepped into the stressful and hectic world of college. I missed the first day of some of my classes. I saw my father cry. I watched my brother be crushed by the callous and unforgiving force of grief.
Death trampled my family's defense and ripped out the heart and soul of our seemingly weak fortress.

After several days of my selfish pity partying and remembering back on the solid hour I balled uncontrollably into nanny's shoulder, it hit me. 
I have the heart of a egocentric wretch.
I just watched my grandmother watch her soul mate die. I witnessed the slow torturing heartbreak that diseases- such as Alzheimer's- do to families. I saw the woman who put everything she had into a beautiful marriage- stand solid while the body of the man she loved every hour of every day for 63 years deteriorated. And I had the audacity to disapprove of God's perfect timing. 
My Nanny has the most beautiful heart I have ever seen-- and I cannot help but feel disgusted at myself for the selfish creature my heart can turn into-- sucking the very life out of my character. 

She has the forgiving heart.
The loving heart.
The heart that even in the most unpleasant circumstances trusts that God is in complete control. 
She has the heart that puts the needs of everyone else before her own- even to a fault, at times. 
Her heart went crawling to its Creator as it suffered life's greatest agony (death) and placed itself humbly before Him -- asking for strength and peace-- while my heart defied its Creator and questioned His complete sovereignty.  
                                              Two different hearts but One Redeemer:
I pray that God eradicates my unfaithful heart and gives me the heart-- the trusting and humble heart-- like the one of my gorgeous Nanny.
It is given and received only by the Grace of Christ. It is rare. I know that it isn't always easy to depend on. The saddest part is that that it isn't even appreciated nor desired by the majority of the world today. But the truth of the matter is--- the faithful heart leads to life, a fulfilling and content life. 

Nanny was diagnosed with Stage I lung cancer. I found out this past Sunday. I am choosing to trust the Lord just as she has.. I believe the most beautiful thing about the God-given, God-trusting and God-filled heart is the effect it has on everyone else. Jesus has shone through Nanny's humble heart more than she or I could ever even comprehend. This kind of heart creates a uneasy hatred for complacency, a convicting guilt for selfishness and a desire to love people in the deepest sense possible.  

                                                                      Scripture:
Psalms 131:1-2 - My heart is not proud, Lord. My eyes are not haughty. I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have calmed and quieted myself. I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content. 
Proverbs 20:24- A person’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand their own way?
2nd Peter 2: 1-3- “You unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed at that moment. Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”